My heart is breaking…

My heart has been broken (several times now) by someone who I once thought was my very best friend in the whole world.  It kills me to think about all the things we’ve been through together in life, and even more so about all the wonderful things to come that we may not get to experience together. 

Somehow I always end up being the villian in the story, which until now I’ve accepted.  I thought that if that would make it easier for them (and their family) to deal with things, then ok.  They needed someone to place the blame on, and I accepted the blame.  But you know what…that was 5 years ago.  Am I supposed to be a scapegoat everytime something goes wrong?  Am I supposed to continue to let my name be drug through the mud just so you guys don’t have to accept responsibility for your own actions?  I’m embarassed to show my face around certain people because I know what they think of me.  They think I’m some evil person who is involved in all those horrible things.  The things that have been said about me just don’t leave a person’s mind.  Nevermind the fact that I’ve actually made something of myself, that I’ve come so far from where I once was.  Nevermind the heartache and depression and years of rediscovering myself and my self worth…none of that matters to those people because in their eyes, I’m a horrible human being. 

I’ve been there for you from the start, I was there when no one else was.  I stood by you, just like I always promised that I would.  When I said BFF, I meant it.  It breaks my heart to know that I am now turning my back, but I can’t take it anymore.  I am not to blame, not anymore. 

P.S. I miss you.

Add comment April 24, 2008

15 pounds down…

Man, this is hard!  I’ve completely cut out alcohol, not that I drank a lot anyways.  I’ve also cut out bread, but I do cheat with this one every now and then.  Hey…it’s a work in progress.  lol  I still have quite a ways to go, but I know I’ll get there.  GO ME!!

Add comment April 24, 2008

12 pounds down…46 more to go

I have to admit, I really didn’t have a whole lot of faith in myself when it came to losing weight.  I’ve tried, and failed, many times in the last 3 years.  I just kept putting on the weight.  Well, NO MORE!!!  So I’ve lost 12 pounds, and I’m so incredibly proud of myself.  I still have 46 more to go to reach my goal weight, but for the first time ever it actually feels like a real possibility.  I finally believe in myself enough to know that I can make it happen.  I guess I just needed that first 10 or so pounds to really get me going.  Now I’m not saying it will be easy, I know it won’t…but I know that it’s possible. 

 

I’ve been reading another guy from Texas’ blog, and he’s lost quite a bit of weight, too.  He’s really an inspiration, not to mention a total goofball and really funny.  Cute too.  You know me, I’m always checking out the cute boys.  If you’d like to check out his blog click here.

 

In other great news, my Dad went to court with my nieces mom again this week.  WE FINALLY GET TO SEE HER MORE!!  The judge in this case has been wonderful since day one.  Very reasonable.  We get her overnight every other weekend, and once a month we get to take her to North Carolina to visit her Daddy (my brother) since he’s in the military.  We are so happy.  I’d like to think everyone for their thoughts and prayers.  It truly has been a battle to get this far and unfortunately, I’m afraid it will be a battle most of my niece’s life for us to play an active role in her life.  It’s sad really, we are her family and we have to fight to see her.  But dangit, fight we will.  We love that little girl so freaking much, it’s totally worth it!! 

 

I recently had my 24th birthday, and it was a blast!  I have some of the most amazing friends and I’m so thankful for each and every one of them.  Ashley and Nick got me a beautiful, amazing cake.

One of my sorority sisters is designing cakes now and she did a beautiful job.  Thanks Heidi!

We all met up for dinner at Esparza’s and had a blast.  Their margaritas are on a whole nother level.  hehe  Then we went out to Ft. Worth to party it up.  Ended up at some bar I had never been to called Aqua lounge.  It was pretty neat minus the fact that the bar tender needed to be schooled a little bit. 

Me and Danielle in the car (beginning of the night)

Jen and I (with Danielle’s bra…long story)

Danielle and Ashley (two of the greatest people I know)

Danielle and her bra…it wouldn’t stick anymore lol

Me and 3 of my best friends in the whole world!!

Birthday kisses!

Dancing fools!

We get silly sometimes!

Nick has boobs too!

Nick and I

Nick and Ashley

Me and Jen

My sweet arse new shoes!!!

 

There are a million and one more pictures, but you get the idea.  We had a great time and I’m so glad for everyone who made it.  Love you guys!!!

 

More updates to come, but it’s early on Sunday morning and I have to get ready to go to my parent’s house. 

 

MUAH!

Add comment April 6, 2008